Kartoffel’s fate

Kartoffel’s Fate

The New England miser looked at the corn and saw gold. He threw it in his casket.
The French whore looked at the radish and saw a ruby. She threw it in her jewelry chest.
The German priest looked at the humble potato in her burlap robe and he threw it in his stomach.

But first:
The priest placed Kartoffel, as he called her, on the chopping block.
Accepting her fate, stoically she waited. The very image of a young nun clutching her bible while extolling God, she represented.
With a sigh she surrendered.
“I forgive you” was her last thought.
Above her head, a flash; down struck the shiny blade.
Split in two, she expired.
White and pure under her burlap robe, she was.
Indifferent to her glowing virginity, she was peeled, rinsed, cut and boiled.
In the priest’s stomach, to Kartoffel Heaven she ascended.


Kartoffel: German translation for potato.


One Last Time


3151873628_0747125324_bStan came into the office, bursting with his usual insufferable enthusiasm.

“Bad day, Doug?” he prodded, with mock sincerity.

Doug was wearing an expression of pain and disappointment as he looked through his reports.

“Shut up, Stan,” he replied dryly without moving his eyes from his screen.

“I can see you’re very busy, but I wonder if you could just clarify something for me. I heard a rumor…”

Doug sighed audibly. Stan wasn’t going anywhere, that much was clear. He stopped what he was doing, leaned back in his chair, and gave Stan his full attention, hoping that Stan would go away after unloading whatever insult he came to deliver.

“A rumor… and?”

“Yes, I heard a rumor that you sent a rep down there a while back. Didn’t go too well for him, did it?”

“I have no idea what you’re on about,” replied Doug, wincing visibly at the…

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Wine is life

They had practiced the run many times.

In France, wine is a very important part of life. The wine is kept in the deepest, strongest, and most secured part of the house. Wine is well protected and cared for. There, cellars are built to protect the wine.

This was World War Two. The cellar was stocked with survival supplies. The big house had several cellars. The wine cellar was the deepest and the most secure. The house was close to the cathedral, a location that potentially offered some protection. Surely, warplanes would avoid bombing the cathedral. When the sirens started wailing, the young couple was ready. They ran down to the cellar automatically in a matter of seconds, without even thinking.

This young couple was my parents. My mother was pregnant with me, her first baby. As a pregnant woman, she was entitled to more ration tickets then the regular civilians. Food was strictly controlled by the Nazi regime and difficult to obtain. Smokers exchanged their food tickets against cigarette tickets. If you knew a tobacco user you could trade your tobacco ration ticket for their food ration tickets. Amazingly, some would rather smoke than eat! However the problem was still to find the food. A ticket gave you the right to buy, but it did not mean that the foodstuff was automatically available. Before dawn, riding their bicycles in silence, my parents went to the fields on the outskirt of the city, to look for some forgotten vegetables. This activity had a name: “hamstrac” not translatable in English.

This time, the sirens went off in mid-morning. My parents ran to the cellar. A bomb, missing the cathedral, fell on the house. They were American bombs, big ones! The wine cellar barely held up. All survival supplies were gone. The dust was unbearable. It was almost impossible to breathe. By some miracle the wine bottles were intact. Overwhelmed by the heavy dust, they had no choice but to drink the wine to survive. By the light of a candle they drank, thanking God to be alive. It was there, in the wine cellar, where they found their salvation, drinking the wine and waiting to be dug out, it was there that they decided on my name. In the wine they found their salvation, and I receive my name. I was named after the saint patron of wine: Morand.

People were surprised to see a young couple emerge from the rubble, covered with thick dust, laughing and signing and completely drunk.

Three months later, my mother gave me life on the Swiss border, which offered better protection then the cathedral of Strasbourg.

St. Morand

Saint Morand is particularly revered in throughout the Alsace, Burgundy and Champagne regions of France, and also the Rhine region of Germany.

Famous for:
St. Morand spent most of his time in Germany, and even though he was a “spoilt little rich kid” (Morand came from a wealthy family), he choose priesthood as his profession and became a Benedictine monk.
Morand is one of the less well-known Saints, maybe for the fact that his biggest accomplishment was that he lived through Lent off a single bunch of grapes.

Celebrated on:
June 3rd is known as the feast day for St. Morand.


Killing Chickens in America

Some good people picked me up on the road out of Canada. They were going to Saint Paul Minnesota. I was eager to see the Mississippi River. My grand father had told me stories of his travel when he was a child. He was taken to New Orleans by boat on the Mississippi in the nineteenth century, (note). When we penetrated the city, we stopped to have a beautiful American breakfast together. Then I begged the driver to take me farther away from that big city where I might find if hard to survive. We drove to the countryside, where they released me.


With my burlap bag swinging on my shoulder, I walked up to an isolated farmhouse in a field, knocked on the door and waited for a good while. An old man appeared. He was very scrawny. His long face was evoking a kitchen brush. He had not shaved in more then a few days. His deep-set eyes were separated by a nose resembling of a knife’s the blade. He said nothing. I greeted him politely and asked if I could spend a few days in exchange for my labor. He was the only person in that farmhouse. He looked at me. Puzzled, he scratched his head while looking at the ground for a long time. Finally he offered me a simple deal. In exchange for room and board I was to kill all his chickens. During the whole time I spent there it was the only words I heard out of his mouth.


He wore blue bib overalls with a leather belt around his waste and a brown shirt. From the looks of it, his clothes had not seen soap and water for a long time. He took me to a large inside enclosure with windows high off the floor. There a crowd of white chicken ran freely on the straw covered floor. Without waiting for my acceptance of the proposed bargain, he put a knife in my hand and left closing the door behind him. There was a stool, some baskets, a light bulb hanging from the ceiling and a big bucket of water. I felt uncomfortable standing there with this knife in my hand and the chicken staring at me with their red beady eyes. This wasn’t for me. I tried the door. It was locked.


Seeing that knife in my hand, the chickens instinctively knew that their destiny was in danger. I stood petrified. My father had killed a chicken in the fruit cellar. He held it with his left hand on the chopping block. Down came the axe. Horrified at what he had done, he let go of everything. The headless chicken flew in circle all over the fruit cellar. Here and now it was my turn to kill.


My victims, in a panic, started running in all direction. There was no chopping block here. It was I, the hired killer, against them, the innocent. I tried to be rational, to be stoic. I called on my mentor the Roman, Seneca. “Be pragmatic” was my motto. I devised a plan, a method. Number one, choose a victim. Number two, isolate my victim, don’t be distracted by the others, corner the designated victim. Numbers three catch her by the feet. Finally holding her upside down with the index finger between the yellow feet and at arms length in a swift move of the knife, decapitate her. Holding her by the feet, there was no chance that, as it had happened to my father, the headless chicken would fly all over the place. When the flapping of the wings stop, put her down and start all over again with another victim. I put the plan into action.


The first execution was the hardest. The method was correct. The action went perfectly as planed, but it produced such a stir in my body that I ran straight ahead to find a place to vomit. With both hands, I pushed the cold block wall, as if it was coming down on me. Out of my throat erupted the half digested breakfast. Like a geyser, it hit the cement wall and ran down between my prayed out feet. This foul matter inundated the floor. I stepped away and sat on the stool, holding my head between my hands. When I looked up some chickens were pecking at my vomit. I remembered that good breakfast that I had had with those goodhearted Americans. Who might have known that chickens were now the beneficiaries of that breakfast? It was to be their last meal too.


In order to avoid being splattered with blood I held the chickens at arm’s length. It was no use. When I had a pile of murdered chickens, I sat on the stool. I plucked and gutted them while I listen to the live chickens holding obscure conversation among them selves. There were more then a hundred chickens to be decapitated, or so it seemed. I had never killed a chicken in my life. At first it made me sick as described above. Outside night had fallen. It was dark. At the end of that first day I caught my reflection in the windowpanes. The face, that I saw reflected in the glass, was red. The blood gushing out of the necks had painted me red from head to toe. Periodically I had rinsed my glasses in that bucket of water. It is strange how a person can get used to anything. I quickly became a cold-blooded serial killer. The only thing that bothered me was their pecking on my hands. Gloves would have been a useful protection. The second day I was able to protect the back of my hands with a piece of cloth.


Day after day I killed, killed and killed without mercy. It became a routine. I had turned executioner. The chickens were all white hens. Somehow that reminded me of home. There was a framed engraving on the wall of the main hall of my house in France. It depicted the death by beheading of innocent Lady Jane Grey in 1554. She was blindfolded, kneeling with her hands stretched forward. The text underneath explained that she was trying to locate the chopping block to lay her head on it and be decapitated. This image come back to me now that I was surrounded by innocent white hens? Mentally I started baptizing each hen Jane Grey, before they lost their head.

Five stages were observed during this episode of my life:

1 Disgust.

2 Improvement of the method.

3 Enjoyment of the task.

4 Development of a passion.

5 Automatic routine, boredom set in.

Three times a day I ate at a blue plastic table, sitting across from the skinny old man. The light from the dirty window hit his face from the side. He looked like he only had half a face. Every time he let me out of the killing room, he took the knife from my hand. The food was insipid and the man was perpetually silent. He stared at me with shrinking eyes while chewing his soft peanut butter sandwich. He kept that knife on the table next to him during the silent chewing. I washed my body and my cloths in the back of the building. I slept on a cot on the screened porch. At night I heard a humming. The old man was sharpening the knife for the next day’s killing. I’d fall asleep to this soft lullaby sound of the sharpening and honing of the knife’s blade. When there were no more chickens to kill I left. It goes without saying that the chickens had greater market value dead then alive. My contract with the old man as an executioner was completed. He said nothing, not even thank you and good-bye. But he slipped a few dollars in my hand.


Walking on the path leading to the highway images of my home life came to mind. My father had a fear of death. When the occasion presented itself, he’d announce that, from a scientific point of view, death by hanging was the sweetest of all deaths. For some reason my father wanted to raise chickens in the garden. He could not stand the sight of blood. We remember the epic fiasco in the fruit cellar. Wanting to show his manly capacity at killing chickens, he had devised a scientific method. He’d prepare a noose and attach it to the pipe running along the ceiling at the bottom of the cellar stairs. Then he’d attach a child’s bicycle to the chicken’s feet. Finally with great care, he’d thread the neck of the chicken into the noose and let go of the whole apparatus. He’d run to the top of the stairs, turn the light off and slam the door. I didn’t know he was doing this until one day when I went down the cellars stairs. I was in a hurry. I knew my way in the dark. Being of a thrifty nature, I never turned on the light. I was running down the stairs. My face collided with a dead chicken in the dark. This is how I found out how courageous my father was.